family life

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7
Nov 11

How to Deal with a Lazy Partner, (Im)possible?

It can be quite frustrating to come home after a hard day’s work to see your husband mindlessly playing video games. Or to find out your wife is out shopping or otherwise wasting time and money. Lazy partners are hard to deal with, and this trait often ends relationships. There are ways to overcome it, however.

If you confront them, they will usually say they forgot to do whatever it is you asked them to do. You should make it impossible for them to use this excuse in the future. How? Write a list of chores, copy it and post copies all over your house. Divide the list into your chores and your partner’s chores. This way, you will make sure your partner sees it and can’t make the excuse that they forgot or did not know what they had to do. If you proceed this way though, it can become annoying – after all, your partner is also an adult and should have a notion of what needs to be done and when. If they are willing to help you, the list will become redundant eventually.

If this does not help, it is time for a serious tête-à-tête. You must make it clear to them that sharing housework is very important to you. It is possible that they do not feel they are wronging you in any way.

It is more often men who neglect to help out with work around the house. In more conventional households, it is believed that women should do things like cooking and cleaning, and men should fix stuff around the house if things break or otherwise get damaged. This is not fair, honestly. You need to cook at least once a day (make dinner), not counting fixing meals for your kids if you have such. You have to clean your entire place once a week. It is not every day that you get a leaky faucet, not even once a week, unless you are living in a God-forsaken dump. Women bear the brunt of the housework this way. The sons of mothers of the pre-feminist generation were raised to be lazy as well, following their father’s example. If you want him to help you at home, you need to eradicate these maladaptive models of behavior on his part.

You may be really angry at him, but showing it is not likely to help. Explain to him what is bothering you in a calm, friendly way, and do not expect an immediate change. Thank him for what he does do. You should be appreciative of his skills if he has them, because a handyman can cost you an arm and a leg. Express your gratitude every time he does something, because a kind word can go a long way.

Always ask for help. Not asking is a sure way not to get any. If he offers help, do not ever turn it down, even if you don’t particularly need it. Find something to occupy him.

If he is the sole breadwinner and you have decided to be a stay-at-home mom, do not expect him to help you with the housework. That’s just asking too much.

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28
Oct 11

A Perfect Day for the Macho Man

Machismo has been and is a big part of popular culture. Just think of Stanley Kowalski in Tennessee Williams’ A Streetcar Named Desire to Conan and Macho Man Randy Savage. Happily, we are not confronted with macho images as often today as we were during the 1980s and 90s, but machismo continues to underlie numerous film character depictions and serves as an ideology for many.

Macho men like breakfast in bed. Preferably meat. If you are with a man like this, you should get up at least an hour before he does every morning and make sure breakfast is ready when he wakes up. An hour is good because it should be served warm. The macho does not want cold food. It’s like proverbial macho man The Rock said in an interview, “My favorite things are cold beer, hot steak and good lovin’. My least favorite are warm beer and cold steak. There is no such thing as bad lovin’.” Of course there isn’t, at least for the macho. It’s not about whether the woman is enjoying it or not. So keep that in mind too.

After breakfast, he will probably go and work out. It is about lifting and bench-pressing more and more with every day that passes. He will spend a couple of hours in the gym and be back for lunch. Ideal career options for a macho are: wrestler, film star, wrestler and film star. But since there can be (and is) only one Stone Cold Steve Austin, macho men usually end up working in construction or as plumbers. Oh well. Any job is fine as long as it does not interfere with eating, drinking beer, and going to the gym.

After lunch (which should consist of at least five steaks and six beers), the macho would like to visit a number of biker shops in town. He knows everyone working in every such shop in town and has a drink with each and every one of them regardless of whether he bought something or not. Eventually, he’ll be back for dinner, which is naturally the biggest meal of the day. If you get Chinese, he won’t leave any food in China. After dinner, it is time to hit the strip club with his friends. Strip clubs are the perfect place for men with low self-esteem who are overcompensating, as long as they bring enough cash. There they are truly treated as kings. Arguably, you can’t achieve much on a plumber’s salary in a strip joint, but hey, not every day is perfect.

He likes to go everywhere by car, if possible. When he drives, he has the music blaring so everyone will notice him. It’s usually metal.

When he comes home, he will probably want some ‘lovin’. Given that sex with an insensitive pig that reeks of beer is not the most tempting of prospects, it is safe to say that your perfect day will begin the moment you start rejecting him.

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27
Oct 11

Your Daughter Just Doesn’t Want to Marry

Many parents are careful about who their children marry, and this is especially true for their female children. Feminist movement notwithstanding, we still think that marriage is more important for girls than for boys. It contributes more to girls’ sense of self, defines a woman to a greater extent, and makes up a bigger part of her life. This is why, we are very picky about the guys our daughters date. We are very involved in who the eventual Mr. Right will be. Our biggest fear is that she’ll make a bad choice. To some parents though, even the worst choice is not as bad as no choice at all.

This is about them. For some reason, they are horrified by the prospect of their daughter remaining single for the rest of her life. Some parents do not respect common-law partnerships, even though they are recognized by law in some countries. If there is no ring, then there is nothing. This archaic mentality has been known to push daughters into a marriage they were not ready for and to someone who was not really the right person. And still it survives. Would you really feel better if she married a deadbeat whom she’d have to take care of? Or someone 30 years older than her who was not rich? Or some jerk just because she got pregnant? Would you be so intent on your son getting married?

To be fair, most parents do not want something like this happening to their beloved girls. We want her to marry a nice, good-looking young man who pulls in $200,000 a year and still has time to take her on a vacation every other week to every destination of her choice. He also has three college degrees and postgraduate studies. He does volunteer work and helps old ladies across the street every time he sees one. He gets out of his Benz to do so. Why couldn’t she marry someone like that? Someone loving, gorgeous, intelligent, sensitive and fabulously wealthy? Probably because he is already married. He got married to someone named Hans in Denmark.

Maybe it’s your fault. Have you thought about this being a possibility? Some women, unhappy with their own marriages, project their dissatisfaction onto their daughters. They build up their self-esteem to unprecedented highs, as in “nothing but the very, very best for my little princess”. So, the little princess rejects all proposals, always waiting and waiting for something better. He should not have any bad habits, any bad personality traits, definitely should not have low income…and Mr. Right never comes. Are you still wondering why?

Every girl should be so lucky to have a loving, gentle, and generous father. The problem is that nobody will ever quite measure up to Daddy. This is why many women go for older men and end up getting really disappointed. When a girl is 20, a man of 40 is quite appealing. He has a stable career and experience in life and can guide her. He’s really good in bed, too. When she’s 40 and in her sexual prime, she is married to someone who is 60. Few things can suck as much as that.

Either way, don’t get depressed. Look on the bright side. Your daughter could be a lesbian!

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26
Oct 11

How to Act Like Divorced to Stay Together

Now, when the divorce rates in Western countires skyrocketing, more and more attempts are made to learn what exactly makes a marriage work. Statistics show that the majority of people who get divorced end up remarrying; however, most of these people end up getting a second divorce. How do you feel about people who marry, divorce, remarry, divorce, re-remarry, divorce – the same person? Such cases are rare – perhaps the only such case was that of Liz Taylor and Richard Burton. You know what though? They are not as rare as it may seem. Many women have reported being shocked to discover that their ex’s new wife is a lot like them, both physically and character-wise. So, why do people get divorced only to discover that they had already met their soulmate?

It has been said that the marriages that last are the ones where partners do not see all that much of one another. It is easy to get sick of someone when they are always around, true. But when does giving each other “space” grow into chronic indifference toward the person, especially in a highly individualistic culture like that of the US?

People who got married too young and didn’t have time to “shop around” often have this problem. This is especially true when unplanned pregnancies are involved. Staying together for the kids becomes a burden on everyone, especially the kids. Many children actively urge their parents to get a divorce because they would rather see them separately than together and fighting all the time. Rushing into marriage does change everything. This means compromise and commitment. You cannot live like you are single. You cannot bring your buddies over for a drink and stay up until 3.00 AM – certainly not on a regular basis. Alternatively, you cannot subject your husband to chick flicks with your girlfriends every other night. Boys’ and girls’ nights out will be few and far between. If the prospect of this makes you squirm, then you are not ready for marriage. Nobody is saying that you have to be together all the time – it is OK to have different friends and see different people. It just won’t be as often as before.

Then there is the issue of sleeping with other people. True, there are open marriages and the people in them claim to be happy. I used to live next door to a guy who was a pimp, and he said once, “It makes a lot of money, but it is not for everyone. How do you know if you can do it? Picture yourself coming home and seeing your wife having sex with another man. If this wouldn’t bother you, then you know the job’s for you.”

“Acting divorced” means imagining what it would be like if the person was gone and acting accordingly. It means joining a gym and dieting because you might never have sex again. It means good communication – if you are divorced with children, you will have to communicate either way. The title is misleading. You cannot act like you are divorced if you are not. If you want your marriage to work, imagine being single and all the pros and cons of this. If the negatives outweigh the positives, you know what to do.

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24
Oct 11

Domestic Violence – How Can You Protect Yourself?

Domestic violence is one of the most appalling social phenomena nowadays. Whatever the origins or the reasons for its occurrence, it should be nipped in the bud as soon as possible. Here is what you should do if you have fallen victim to domestic violence.

First and foremost, you should eliminate the source of domestic violence. So, if you are in a relationship that presents a serious threat to your physical and mental health, do not hesitate to walk out of it right now! I know that the promises of your partner that he will hurt you never again may sound very convincing, but they last only until the next time he gets mad at you. Remember that the responsibility for breaking away from the vicious circle of domestic violence is in your own hands.

On the other hand, if your partner (the abuser) has recognized and acknowledged the fact that he has certain issues related to spontaneous aggression, maybe you should encourage him to consult a psychologist and start an anger management therapy.

Of course, there are some stop-gap solutions such as, for instance, an ‘emergency box’ where you should put some cash, spare keys to the car and the house, and a prepaid telephone card. You run away with that when the next episode of domestic violence begins to unfold. Alternatively, you can think of a ‘password’ which, when uttered, will let your relatives and family know that you are in danger and they should call the police.

Your parents’ house is the safest place to go when you flee home after being abused by your partner and don’t forget to take the children with you.  Some husbands abuse their children as well. Alternatively, you can stay with some supportive friends, who will most probably encourage you to take legal action against the abuser. Social workers recommend that the victims of domestic violence should call an attorney as soon as they reach a safe place. He will help you get a restraining order against your abusive partner. Also, you may file a police report against him, especially if you’re planning to go to a divorce trial.

Last but not least, once you break away from the abuser, make sure you sign up for a domestic violence support program with the nearest crisis centre, where you will receive emotional support and hear the stories of other victims of domestic violence. This will encourage you to start a new life as an independent woman.

Finally, while men are responsible for most cases of domestic violence, there are some abusive women, too.  So, if your sweetheart is throwing stuff at you or threatening to fire a shotgun at you, brother, you should not hesitate to report her to the police. More often than not, domestic violence against men is of psychical rather than physical nature. If, for instance, you wife is constantly accusing you of being unfaithful to her, or if she is preventing you from visiting your parents in the weekend or going out with friends, this can also be regarded as an instance of domestic violence on her part. Very often, women assault their partners under the influence of alcohol or other intoxicating substances. If you share your bed with such a woman, you should encourage her to start a detoxication program or consult a psychotherapist.

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21
Oct 11

When Your Spouse Is a Control Freak

If your spouse is domineering or bossy, want to have the last say in everything, refusing to listen to you every time, you may have a control freak on your hands. If they physically or verbally abuse you, control all the money, or sulk until you submit to them, then your spouse is a control freak, and this is taken to extremes. If they are only some of these things; then, there is room for improvement. You must have feelings for them if you chose to move in together; so, ditching them is not always the way to go when you see their faults. In fact, ditching them is the right decision only if the relationship involves physical abuse. Trying to understand where they are coming from is harder to do and ultimately more rewarding.

Control freaks have very low self-esteem. This is why they are terrified of failure. They make detailed plans about everything; as detailed as possible so that the possibility of failure is wiped out. Failure kills them. They are terrified of ambiguity, of novel situations, of every scenario where they could come out looking bad and inadequate. Their feelings are so overwhelming that they rarely even realize how their words and actions affect those around them. They are very sociable with strangers, but those close to them know this is just for show. They feel the aggression and hatred lurking beneath the surface and are scared into submission.

Of course, giving in to them is the easy way out. Tempted as we might be to take it, we should not, because this allows them to get worse and worse. Getting angry does not work either. They perceive your anger as a threat to their ego, not as the normal human reaction that it is. Thus, they get defensive, and for them defense is control, so they get even more controlling. They get even more critical and nothing you do pleases them. Try to stay calm and talk to them. Ask them direct questions like, “What will happen if you do not manage to do the job on time? Do you really have that much to lose?” Slowly but surely, they will begin to see sense, unless they are suffering from a very deep-rooted internal conflict. If that is the case, they may never change. They may get worse. These people project their insecurities onto others and may try to make you feel worthless. Your task is to recover your self-esteem.

Begin by gradually distancing yourself from them and seeking out positive and energetic people to spend your time with. If these people are your parents, try to be out of the house as often as possible, be agreeable, pretend to be listening to them when you are in, and apply to an out-of-state college when you graduate from high school. This way, you will not be seeing much of them. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of insecure people who never have a kind word to say. Finally, make a firm decision on whether you will stay with this person or leave them. If you decide to stay, fix a time limit and stick to it so that you have control.

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20
Oct 11

Your Teenage Daughter Is Pregnant, Don’t Freak Out

Teen pregnancy is not viewed quite positively today, but it shouldn’t be considered something that disgraceful, either. And if the fact makes you really freak out, it certainly is not the end of the world. Here are a few tips that I hope will help you swallow the bitter pill

First and foremost don’t panic. The more you freak out, the more dreadful the situation may appear to you. Practically, there are only two ways out of this delicate predicament – either you can decide that your daughter keeps the child, insisting that the culprit for your daughter’s condition step up and acknowledge paternity, or you can encourage your daughter to have an abortion.

Second, before you heap reproaches on your beloved daughter, which will only add insult to her injury, think about what has cost her to pick up the courage and spit the pebble about her pregnancy before you. It is equally useless to start blaming yourself for not informing your daughter about the ways she could have protected herself against unwanted pregnancy.  Even if she had known almost everything about it, she could have still made a mistake. Instead, try to be supportive and understanding, because your daughter needs to know that you are by her side. This does not mean, however, that you should shoulder all the responsibility about her pregnancy. Quite on the contrary, you should make her realize that she must take her share of responsibility for her delicate condition.

Next, if you decide to go for an abortion, you should first consult experienced gynecologist about the possible risks to your daughter’s fertility that may occur as a result of such an intervention. And if the risks outweigh the benefits, you should prepare to become a young grandma.

Once you decide to keep the child, you should first make sure that your daughter will nonetheless complete her schooling. Teenage pregnancy often causes young girls to drop out of school. Having arranged that, you should now go on and find the main culprit for your daughter’s pregnancy, if it’s possible, and ask him to take his share of responsibility for his future offspring. I agree that girls should first complete their college education and then get married, but sometimes it can happen the other way around. Things are a bit easier if your daughter is at least eighteen years of age, as she can legally tie the knot. If she is between sixteen and eighteen years of age, you should explicitly declare your consent to her marriage before an attorney. After all, no difficulties are insurmountable, as long as your daughter and the father of her coming child are head over heels in love with each other.

In any case, your daughter will inevitably miss the party stage in her life, because of her early motherhood. Also, having a baby involves raising extra funds to support the cute little newcomer to your family. As your daughter is still too young to work, you and her father should shoulder the whole responsibility for providing for the young family.

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13
Oct 11

How to Help Children of Addicts

It has been noted that addiction runs in families. The extent to which this is genetic is unclear, as the environment and social learning also play a role. Drug and alcohol addiction are polygenic illnesses – a lot of factors come into play in terms of developing and sustaining an addiction. Children of addicts are up to nine times more likely to develop an addiction than children of non-addicts (especially men). Substance abuse defines the interaction in these families. There are higher levels of conflict, poor home management, lack of communication and adequate parenting. Children of addicts grow up experiencing higher levels of anxiety and depression. They are less resistant to stress and sometimes end up projecting this onto their own children. This is why every effort must be made to help these children while they are young and the inadequate behavior models are not yet firmly ingrained.

Children become attached to the non-addicted parent or to school counselors, teachers, and anyone who takes the time to talk to them. These professionals are required to report the abuse, but the children need more than this. They are used to hearing things like “It is your fault I drink”, “You make too much trouble”, “I am putting food on the table so shut up”, “Everybody drinks”, and so on. You have to tell them that it is not their fault their parents are that way, that their parents are sick, and even that they have every right to disapprove of their parents’ behavior. Keep in mind that children will love their parents unconditionally even though their parents do all they can to make the child hate them. They will persist in blaming themselves. When they feel frustrated, they will turn to alcohol or drugs, because that is the model they have seen. What we inherit is a dependent personality, not “alcoholic genes” or whatever. We inherit a tendency to become dependent, be it on drugs or on other people. In other words, we have a predisposition to become addicts. When we experience stress, we deal with it stereotypically – by drowning it in liquor instead of looking for a constructive answer to the problem, which is the harder thing to do. Recovered alcohol addicts always say that alcohol has a way of making things better until it suddenly destroys everything. It helps us ignore problems, but they get bigger and bigger to the point where we cannot do anything about them because the addiction has depleted our resources.

The first thing you do for children of addicts is get them out of their home. Only then can you start therapy. First, they need to deal with the stress of moving away. Then, you can start by placing them in hypothetical situations, like “What would you do if … (insert problem)”. Scan for problem-solving models – if they say something like “I would get really sad” or “really angry”, point out how and why this is not constructive. The key is for them to acquire healthy ways of dealing with stress. Applaud them wildly for each and every success, however minor it may be. Low self-esteem is at the core of all addictions and, indeed, of all mental disorders.

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13
Oct 11

Creating an Eco-Friendly Nursery for Your Baby

If you are expecting a baby, then most probably you have a whole bunch of things to deal with. Still, setting up an environmentally-friendly baby room is one of the issues that should be addressed with priority. Having left my mom’s womb almost three decades ago, I can’t remember how exactly it felt to be inside, but I imagine it must have been warm, cozy, and somehow dark. Now, once your baby comes to this world, it’ll need a place where it will feel almost as cozy as it was in its previous abode. Everything in the baby’s new environment should be warm, soft and, most important, safe, which makes the choice of furniture tremendously important.

I know that there is a wide choice of baby-room sets, but it is important to pick up an eco-friendly one. Why is it so important? Well, because the whole organism of your coming baby will be extremely vulnerable to harmful influences from the outside, as its immune system will be rather rudimentary over the first few weeks of its life. I am sure you do not want to buy a cot, with paint that will irritate the soft, pink skin of your little boy or girl, do you?

Now, before you start setting up a baby room, you should first choose the right room, which automatically rules out the northern and the southern premises of your home. You should choose a room that has enough sunshine throughout the day and yet isn’t too hot. If you live in a big and rather old house, you should probably put some proper external wall insulation first, and then proceed by painting the walls inside. Make sure you pick up some environmentally friendly paint that will not welcome the new member of your family with some poisonous organic compounds, which may also be volatile on top of that. The good stuff that you should be looking for in the paint’s ingredients includes beeswax, some plant oils, buttermilk, crushed limestone, etc. Organic stuff that is. Needless to say, you should avoid too garish colors as they may shock the room’s new inhabitant when he or she first moves in.

Having set up the walls, let us now focus on the floor of your eco-friendly nursery. Mind you that this is the place where your baby will be crawling most of the time before it makes its first steps. Avoid any carpets and floor covers, as they may hold a whole bunch of allergens. Instead, you should choose a hardwood floor cover, polished with some non-toxic sealant.  Be careful your baby not to fall off its cot and bang its head against the hard floor, though. If you want to soften the baby-room’s floor a little bit, pick up some mat that’s made of wool, organic cotton or some other natural material, and make sure it’s thick enough.

Speaking of the baby’s cot, you must choose a proper baby mattress made of some organic material. In this line of thoughts, experts say that kapok is the safest filling for a baby pillow, the other choices being organic cotton and synthetic-free latex. Note that wool-filled pillows are not suitable in summer.

Last but not least, you should avoid pieces of furniture made of plywood, as it inevitably contains formaldehyde. Choose furniture made of solid wood or rattan, instead. Good luck!

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11
Oct 11

Children of Female Offenders and Misdirected Punishment

The offences of women prisoners are prevailingly related to drugs, prostitution or crimes related to domestic abuse. They are often themselves victims of sexual, physical and psychological abuse. Most are sentenced for non-violent crimes. According to statistics just under 6 percent of the total prison population in the United Kingdom constitutes female offenders. However, a whopping 66 percent (above 70 percent in the US) have dependent children, and around one third of them are sole guardians. These women feel they have failed as parents and suffer the shame and separation from their children. Yet, the ones who are mostly affected by the incarceration might not be the mothers themselves, but the young ones they’ve left behind. They are the true victims of the prison sentence.

Due to the lower number of women’s prisons often times, mothers are send to serve their sentence far away from their children, making frequent visits difficult, if not impossible. Kids often get the right to visit their mothers in prison as a regular visitor, which is not sufficient. This causes them to lose contact with their parent and become alienated. Visiting in prison is an upsetting and frightening experience in its own, especially for young children. They feel pain from the separation, an emotional conflict, and anger at the system, the people that put their mommy behind bars. The specific needs and emotional state of these young ones is perhaps not acknowledged accordingly. In most countries there is no official agency that provides special support or information to the offspring of female prisoners.

Incarcerating a mother leads to a multitude of affects. Not only are the children torn away from their closest being, the one on whom they’ve depended for everything, but in many instances, they are separated from family, brothers and sisters. If there is no other parent or guardian, they are given for care to relatives, family friends or foster parents. Often this necessitates relocating, changing schools, and leaving friends. Their life may be totally changed, lacking feeling of security and stability. These children are prone to depression, poor performance and problems in school, aggressive behaviour, and low self-esteem. They feel cast away from society and even disrespect for authority. Many times, kids follow in the footsteps of their incarcerated parent. The likelihood that children of prisoners will get involved in criminal activities and end up in jail as adults is 85%. These children are vulnerable to getting involved in crimes. The vicious cycle repeats itself.

Children born to mothers in prison, on the other hand, are sentenced from the moment they were born. A miniscule proportion of the lucky female inmates with babies have the opportunity to stay with their child in a specialized unit. Most infants end up cared for by foster parents, family friends, relatives, or even get adopted. They do not have their most important person, their mommy, close to them during their forming years. They are impeded from forming this vital human bond.

The prodigy of female prisoners experiences the cold shoulder treatment from society, even though on the surface it might not seem so. Apart from the emotional distress and the separation from their parent, their whole life is disrupted. They feel shame and social stigma for a crime they did not commit. It makes one wonder, who is it that we are really punishing? Is the child, an innocent, being punished more severely than the mother herself?

Perhaps the prison system designed for man initially, does not fulfil its purpose for women, for mothers? Or perhaps society itself is not doing enough to help these kids, and their needs and problems are being overlooked? Whatever the answers, one thing is clear. When enhacing the efficiency of the system, the female and male offenders have to be considered as people, as mothers and fathers and appropriate tools and punishments should be designed with that in mind.

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