family life

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10
Oct 11

Codependent Relationships: The Reasons They Work

Codependent relationships start with public displays of affection (PDAs). But they do not end with grossing one’s friends out as well as anyone else who happens to be around. Everyone knows these couples. They can’t seem to be apart, and if they have to be separated for some time, they are completely and utterly miserable, calling one another the entire time and talking on the phone for hours.

When they are back together, they get touchy-feely in such a way it makes you puke. Why does this put off other people? Some are jealous, while others simply feel that such displays of affection should be reserved for private time, and society should not be subjected to them. Sometimes it is both. It may happen that you are hanging out as a group, talking and laughing, having fun together, and one couple is seemingly part of the group. However, they are not active in it – they are actually sitting off by themselves, smooching, talking only to each other, and acting like the group is not even there. You wonder why they don’t just get a room.

Some of these couples and marriage partners are not touchy-feely when they are alone. In fact, they do not even talk because they have nothing to say to one another. They are only fooling their friends. Deep down, they realize this. So why are they going into all that trouble?

The answer is that being alone can be worse than being with the wrong person. And are they the wrong person in every case? Finding someone who is just as lonely as you can make for a great match. Sometimes, as you get older, you will drift apart. More often you won’t. People with a pronounced need for security find it in the person they are with. This is why codependent relationships last.

Our Western culture is an individualistic one. From the day you are born, you are told that you have to be independent and self-sustained. If you are perceived as needy, you will become an outcast. Living up to these impossible standards is a great burden. This is opposed to collectivist Eastern cultures, where the focus is on the community, not the individual. Cross-cultural studies have shown, time and again, that Eastern cultures are happier. Indeed, no man is an island entire of himself. By the way, the concept of “awkward silence” does not exist in collectivist cultures. Do not assume that someone is the wrong person for you because you don’t always have something to talk about.

Codependent relationships may start with PDAs that annoy everyone but in time, they can develop into a great deal more. Such a relationship can be a source of support, a foundation on which everything else is built. You may not have all that much to say to each other at the beginning of such a relationship. The entire relationship may be limited to smooching for the benefit of anyone who is around. As you enter adulthood, it can become more than that. You need to give it some time, that is, more than a few months. Give it at least a year and keep in mind that you only get to know a person if you live together for that period of time. Do not give up! This person could prove to be your soul mate.

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6
Oct 11

Seven Signs That You Are Spoiling Your Dog

This is not an article about how to pamper your dog. It is about why you should stop doing it. Believe it or not, your dog does not like being pampered the way a human might. If you are doing any one (or more) of these things, you should reconsider your relationship with man’s best friend.

You are cooking for him/ her three times a day. Are you constantly looking at websites with dog recipes, reading about which foods they love and are good for them (for your information, peanut butter, fruit, vegetables) and trying to include them in recipes? There is nothing wrong with making a home-cooked treat for the dog once in a while, but you may have a problem if you are doing it the whole time. If you are going to do it anyway, you should avoid recipes with wheat. Wheat is bad for dogs. You could substitute the wheat with oats or rice cereal. And, of course, nothing containing sugar. You should know, though, that there is nothing wrong with dog food!

What is somewhat worse than constantly cooking for your dog is falling into the designer clothes trap. The Internet abounds with websites hawking designer wear for your pooch of every imaginable variety – sweaters, coats, jackets, pyjamas, designer dog collars and more. Be wary of buying designer clothes and diamond-studded collars. The companies selling this useless and sometimes downright dangerous dog gear insist that in today’s day and age dogs are “so much more” than pets – they help you socialize, keep you happy, cheer families, bring laughter and so on. I am not saying this is not true, but buying Fido a diamond-studded collar in gratitude is NOT the way to go. Does it cross your mind that the dog may hate the clothes? Animals have fur; they do not need clothes the way we do. The clothes are an extra layer that irritates them, quite simply. If flaunting your fabulous wealth is an additional consideration, do it another way. Give to charity!

You are shopping for a designer dog bed. He is perfectly happy sleeping on a regular mattress or even the floor! How do you think dogs lived before designer dog beds existed?!

Now we are getting to the pathological manifestations of pooch pampering. So, you signed them up for therapy. By this I do not mean the therapist teaches them tricks, plays with them, etc. I mean psychological therapy. Sigmund Freud established therapy as a talking cure, and when talking is impossible for some reason, the therapy is not likely to be effective. The fact that plenty of organizations are offering psychological therapy for dogs does not make it right.

They are seeing a chiropractor. If you think Fido has back problems, maybe you should take him out for a walk more often. The dog needs exercise.

When you take your dog out for a walk, you put them in a stroller. DO NOT LAUGH. This is getting more and more common, especially in Japan.

Your dog eats in a high chair. If he stays in it, then you have a problem.

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2
Oct 11

Your Children: How to Avoid Facebook Conflicts

Why are there conflicts in families surrounding Facebook? Many parents are put off by the fact that their child is spending all this time online talking to God knows who instead of to them. In fact, in some cases kids turn down parents’ friend requests on Facebook. What is the source of this conflict?

Naturally, parents worry about what their children are doing, with all the Internet privacy issues lately. They have no way of knowing whether the dear ones are safe. Many of the conflicts stem from pure lack of information about what Facebook really is. This is one reason kids get angry – because parents simply assume they are doing something wrong without actually understanding how cool Facebook is (all buddies ‘hand out’ there, plus the super mega hot guy from the basketball team. He’s on the buddies’ list of a friend of a friend of your daughter. Isn’t that cool?)

Parents should make an effort to learn more before assuming something unacceptable is going on. What you should know is that there are ways to control who has access to information on Facebook and how much of it goes public.

Super-logoff and whitewalling

So, two of these ways are whitewalling and super-logoff. Whitewalling means one can delete every update, post, comment or link once it is shared, leaving no trace of these interactions. A super log-off means that you can deactivate your account and stop people from accessing your information until you are online again.

Facebook is not just a chat room

Facebook is not only used for chatting to God knows who. Your kids use it to do research, play games, and read news. It is really like a virtual hangout. Usually, they use the site to connect to people they know, not look for strangers. Finally, if you really can’t keep from befriending your own kid online, do it elegantly and without embarrassing them in front of their entire social group. Do not comment what they do – if you really must, do it offline.

Of course, parents have their rights and privileges too. No online social network is completely safe, and privacy rules and settings on Facebook are getting laxer by the second. Parents need to warn their children about some very important things, such as not uploading racy photos of themselves. Anyone can see them, even their employer at the restaurant where they work. Absolutely anybody can search for your profile and access it.

How private is private?

Another thing kids should never do is post their home address or phone number – not on that site and not on any site. It is wise to take care and keep the status settings private – they can be very public without you realizing it. The overly complicated settings on Facebook result in many users posting messages to all of the site users, not just to their friends as intended. The information one shares could have serious repercussions if applying for college or looking for a job. Also, be careful who you call “friends”. Police authorities in Nova Scotia, Canada did a test this year, creating fake Facebook accounts and befriending teenagers. Only two of 300 denied their friend requests. Finally, children should be aware that they are compromising not only their own privacy and safety by being too open, but also that of their family.

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1
Oct 11

Learning to Like Your Mother-in-Law

When does a man have mixed feelings? When his mother-in-law falls from a 12-th storey window and lands on his brand new Mercedes. To some people, it may seem impossible to feel anything other than resentment toward their in-laws, especially the mother-in-law. Why is this? You did not choose these people, but they became a part of your life. They are attached to your spouse and often come between the two of you. This is especially annoying when and if, God forbid, you live with your extended family.

In today’s world, this is becoming extremely rare, which is a good thing. Having them come over every weekend can be pesky too. In cases where your husband is a mama’s boy, you will have your work cut out for you, and it may be tempting to just dump both of them. Except that it is not easy. You have to make an effort somehow.

The first step toward liking someone is accepting them. For some, this is the final step. You can’t force yourself to like someone, but you may find you have come to like them. Hate can turn into love just like love can turn into hate. First, work on acceptance. Accept that she loves your husband just as much, and probably more than you do. Try to understand where she is coming from, the reasons behind her actions. Let’s say that you are sure she is saying negative things about you to him behind your back. You’re afraid he’ll take her side. Be open about this to him. You will know whether it is true from the way he answers and what his take is. Do not be afraid to openly express your feelings about her to him. He should always take your side, period. You are now his more immediate family. Usually, the conflicts come down to criticism of your cooking, housekeeping, and such.

Sometimes men have it worse. Your mother keeps droning on and on about how he doesn’t make enough money and pines away over the nice boy you were seeing in your freshman year of college. This is very risky. First, he may develop an inferiority complex. Second, you may start accepting her viewpoint. Unless you had the goal to marry someone for money all along, the issue of how much he makes should not be central, especially now that you are married. These conflicts should have been resolved earlier. Again, she only wants what is best for you. Good intentions and wrong information are the road to hell. The way you bring your kids up is another thorny issue. Whatever the issue is, make sure she understands where you stand and why her fears are unwarranted.

It all comes down to stopping your mother-in-law from interfering in your life. When you get together with her, you should have a wide variety of things to talk about apart from your personal life. If she keeps interfering despite your efforts to change the subject, maybe you should consider seeing her less often, like once every leap year.

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1
Oct 11

Money Saving Supermarket Strategies for Your Family

Laziness is a little sin we are all fond of. And – it is the exact opposite of having wise money saving supermarket strategies. I am yet to meet a person who wouldn’t rather sleep half an hour longer than walk the dog out or watch the game on TV instead of doing some pushups himself. The reason why we all indulge in indolence is because we consider it innocuous and inexpensive. But this is a wrong assumption because whatever the joys of being lazy, one thing is for sure – they are not for free.

Say ‘no’ to one-stop shopping

Take for example shopping for household products and foodstuffs. How many people do you know who make their purchases at different stores to save up on them? Not many, if any, I guess. However, doing all the shopping in one store only, just because it is more convenient this way, oftentimes comes at a much higher price, compared to driving an extra mile and visiting several stores for your weekly shopping. Thus, your local butcher is probably selling meat and fish way cheaper than the nearest retail store. And drug stores charge for toiletries less than the other commercial outlets. On the other hand, big-box shops remain unsurpassed when it comes to basic products, such as laundry detergents, dish cleaners, tissues, etc. So, the next time you are on your stocking-up round, you may want to drive around to several different shops rather than load the trunk with goods from the nearest chain store.

How to save $400 a month

But even if you lack the energy and time to diversify your shopping habits and still insist on buying products from one store, you can save a good amount of cash. At least do some online research before you opt for the closest retail outlet. Because even among the large chain brands, there can be an enormous difference in the prices they charge. MoneySense recently researched four different grocery stores in Toronto and determined that if a family of four did its weekly shopping at the cheapest (No Frills) rather than at the most expensive (Whole Foods) of them, it could save about $100. A simple calculation shows that you save $400 per month (The Globe and Mail). This is quite a sum which more than justifies a prolonged shopping trip. Knowing where to shop while abroad is even a more important aspect of your money saving supermarket strategy. If you visit Tel Aviv, for example, you may find the prices outrageous. Going to the local market, however, will save you lots of money.

Save from filling prescriptions

Filling prescriptions is no different in this regard than buying basic products. Some pharmacies charge higher dispensing fees than others, regardless of the nature and costs of the drugs purchased. Shoppers Drug Mart levies from its customers $11.99, Wal-Mart – $8.97, while membership warehouses, such as Costco – $4.11. Such fee differences can amount to hefty sums if one has to buy medications frequently. You may want to check the charges of your local drugstores in advance. This way, in addition to your money saving supermarket strategy, you’ll be prepared the next time you purchase something from them.

The best choice of the lazy shopper

Internet, the haven for lazy shoppers, generally offers much better prices than brick-and-mortar stores. However, here too, it is well worth it to make an extra effort and do some sound research instead of committing your money to the first website that catches your eye. Often, the prices and benefits provided by e-commerce retailers are miles apart and can save you quite a bundle. For example, Ebates, which sells quality brands like Apple, French Connection, Kodak, and thousands of others, allows you to earn between 5 percent and 30 percent of cash back. Other online retailers such as Overstock, Revolver Clothing, and Eforcity offer free shipping, insurance, and other bonuses. If you don’t have a money saving supermarket strategy already, you are probably making more money than both of us can spend.

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30
Sep 11

Backpacking Together – a Way to Bond or a Holiday from Hell?

So which one is it? If you are contemplating going backpacking with your partner, there are several things you should be aware of. Backpacking is a lot of fun if both of you are the outdoor type and aren’t too fussy about the conditions in mountain cabins and lodges (of course, this depends on where you want to go). And – if you are open to adventures. If this is the case, you are probably not reading this. The fact that you ARE reading means you have some doubts about the concept of backpacking together. Is it going to work?

A great place to go hiking is Europe. The most wonderful destination there, of course, is the Alps. This can be a bit expensive though. Eastern Europe is a better option in terms of cost, with some fascinating mountain ranges. It is a lot riskier, however. First, you need some understanding of the local languages. Second, some of the places here are NOT for the fussy and demanding, meaning that some mountain cabins are not equipped with indoor plumbing. If you want to explore the hiking trails, you should make sure you are with someone who knows their way around, meaning a local. This is valid wherever you go! Getting lost in the woods can be a harrowing experience that you and your partner are likely to remember for a long time. Needless to say, it won’t be the fondest of memories.

If you are not absolutely sure your partner will love your trip, consider a shorter one. Do not plan on backpacking for a month. Try one week first, somewhere closer to home where it won’t be hard to get back if something goes wrong. If your partner is more of an indoor type, try not to torment him/ her with an endless journey. They may find a hearty meal and a nice drink more soothing than a 12-hour hike up 2000+ m mountain peaks.

Make a plan at the outset and follow it. This seems self-evident, but as they say, common sense is not so common. Get a map and mark your route, plan it by the hour (always give yourself extra time, you never know). Make sure there are accommodations along the way. Check if the map is up-to-date!

Make sure you have access to emergency medical care, just in case. Work out your medical insurance issues if you decide to go to another country. Remember to bring all the things you need – warm clothing, a thermos, abundant food supplies, hiking gear, flashlights and, most importantly, lots of water! Make sure there are stops along the way where you can replenish your supplies. Don’t be deluded into thinking that you can carry everything you will need in your backpack.

If all goes according to plan, a backpacking holiday with your partner will be a great way to bond and a very pleasant experience to look back on!

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25
Sep 11

Save Marriage from Divorce? Why Not Dine out

How do you save marriage from divorce and sustain your sexual interest in one another? Who knows. This post is about dining out. Actually, dining out is a great idea if you want to keep the fire going. For example, he dines out Wednesday, and you dine out Friday.

No, come on. This is a serious article. Strangely enough, a lot of people still rush into marriage even though they are supposed to know better. It’s like nobody saw any of those War of the Roses-type marriage-made-in-hell movies. Most of these movies were made in the US, and it is probably no accident that 50 percent of first marriages, 67 percent of second, and 74 percent of third marriages in the United States end in divorce, according to 2010 data.

To save marriage from divorce? Back to dining. Men deserve to come home to a delicious home-cooked meal. That is, unless your man is the type who prefers a balanced meal in the bar. A number of men have argued convincingly that a Martini is equivalent to a balanced meal. There is relatively little alcohol in it (we all know that alcohol in moderation is good for blood pressure), and the olive/cherry adds much-needed nutrients. Another exception – men who, when offered a job, proceed to ask how demanding it will be. When told “Very” they do not even bother asking about the pay. When told “Not really” they look you straight in the eye and say, “So the pay sucks, huh?”

My point? If a man wants a home-cooked meal, he should earn it. On that note, asparagus and carrots are great aphrodisiacs. All married couples should put them on their dining list. But eating is not everything. Eating too many carrots can cause hypercarotenemia. Experts maintain that excess amounts of beta carotene may result in orange or yellow discoloration of the eyes and skin mimicking jaundice and liver disease. Asparagus in excess entails risks as well. Your urine starts smelling odd and takes on a slight green tinge. None of these effects are permanent, of course, but it will be even harder to keep the fire going after experiencing them.

Back to rushing in. Do you really know the person you are getting married to? Can you imagine living with them until “death do you part”? Let us say you have met the woman of your dreams. Her hair is the color of the sun, her skin the color of milk. She has the most beautiful clothes anyone has ever seen. Then, you find out she was paying her hairdresser hundreds and sponsored Maybelline’s entire foundation and concealer department. And you find out that from now on, you are expected to buy the cosmetics and clothes.

Arguably, we are talking about extremes here. You can save marriage from divorce by doing some simple things. The old rule about counting to ten when you get angry really works. Don’t fly off the handle every time your faithful partner in sickness and health pisses you off. Count down and try to see the situation from his/ her point of view. And how do you keep the fire going after you’ve tied the knot? Nobody knows yet, but we’re trying.

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24
Sep 11

Are You Financially Ready to Have a Baby?

Is one ever financially ready for motherhood? Those of the older generation always advise to have a child when you are „young and stupid“. They may be right in the sense that if you start reflecting on all the costs and responsibilities beforehand, you may get cold feet about the whole thing. It is important to ask yourself how you have been managing financially so far. If you are having trouble covering all your costs and balancing the budget, you may be unable to afford a child. You should not be overdependent on financial assistance programs either. Even if that is not an issue, you will have to change your lifestyle – eliminating unnecessary purchases, working more – to accommodate the rising costs.

Another aspect to consider is your current living situation. Do you own a house or rent a property? The issue here is whether you have enough space for a child. If you are living in a small place with no room for another person, do you have enough money to get a bigger place? You can share a room with your baby at the beginning, of course, but as they grow they will need a room of their own. You should have money for a cot at least. Bedsharing is very dangerous and the main factor underlying Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). SIDS is rare, but it does happen. This is when newborns die for no apparent reason, according to medical experts. Of course, there is always a reason. Just avoid bedsharing, because you may roll over in your sleep and suffocate your baby.

Can you afford to quit your job after giving birth? The duration of maternity leave offered may not be sufficient. You could look into extended leave, if that is a possibility. But can you make it on just one salary? Usually the man of the house, be it your spouse or common-law partner, ends up being the breadwinner when you become a mother and start earning less or nothing at all. You should have a serious discussion with him on whether he can handle all the financial responsibility. If he is excited and really wants a baby he may not be thinking clearly about the financial aspects. If he seems less than psyched, he may be worried about finances, so try to understand where he is coming from. Look into your support system as well. Do you have friends or relatives who could help you raise the child, financially and otherwise? Can they offer financial support if you need it? These considerations are especially important if you plan to be a single mother.

Pampers and baby food can put a major dent in your budget. You would be very lucky if you know someone who works at a company producing baby food. They can get it at a discount. Another issue is daycare. You will pay anywhere between $25 and $75 USD a day depending on the state in the United States. In Canada, it costs between $33 and $57 CAD a day for infants depending again on the province. For toddlers the rates are lower. You should think about whether it might be better if you really did quit your job and raise the child yourself rather than working to pay for daycare.

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22
Sep 11

Stinginess Can Kill a Happy Marriage

Your marriage partner is earning a good paycheck every month but at the same time, he leaves you stuck with the monthly utility bills and food expenses. Rings a bell? Then, he or she is being stingy on you and, to put it straight, such behavior could present a serious challenge to your future family togetherness. The situation may become even worse if you constantly see your partner spending a lot of money on fashion accessories or unnecessarily expensive clothes for him or herself. At the same time, you listen about how much he/ she wished that he/ she could contribute more to the family budget. Being the bread-winners in the family, husbands are more inclined to lapse into unnecessary stinginess than their better halves. This could be really annoying for the partner, especially if she is a stay-at-home mom and is fully dependent on her husband’s income.

Before confronting her husband on the issue of stinginess or seeking the advice of a marriage counselor, every loving wife should try to figure out why her Bill or Tom (or whatever his name may be) is acting in such a frustrating way when it comes to the distribution of cash in the family. Instead of confronting him up front, try to lure him into telling you something more about his previous girlfriend or his family. Some of the explanations for his present behavior may be that his ex-girlfriend had been constantly pushing him to spend more and more money on her, or he might have grown up in austerity imposed by his prudent parents. If this is the case, maybe he is now trying to heal his emotional scars by overspending on himself, while being stingy towards his life partner. If this is the case, perhaps you can tell him that it would be more than enough if he could cover at least half of the expenses on the household for a start. However, if you have sacrificed your career to your children, you may directly threaten him with more drastic measures (such as finding a job and taking the kids to the nursery) unless he loosens the strings of his purse right away. I think this will shake him out of his stinginess, as he wouldn’t want to look like an old scrooge, whose wife, although mother of young children, is forced to work because of his scroogy ways.

On the other hand, if your husband is a natural born scrooge, perhaps you should try to gradually coach him into some normal spending habits. For a start, you can explain to him that if he goes on saving money on food, he will soon have to cover a long medical care bill. Poor nutrition could trigger various health problems, which are usually quite expensive to treat. If everything goes well, his stinginess will soon give way to some reasonable money-saving strategies and, over time, you may even expect him to take you on a Christmas cruise to the Caribbean. In fact, it will be a nice and romantic way to thank you for having cured him of his stingy habits.

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22
Sep 11

How Much Do Parents Owe You in College

There are plenty of reasons why you should study in Canada, and the lower costs are the least among them. Most Canadian universities offer top-class education, affordable tuition, work and study options, and more. You also enjoy access to excellent (and in many cases free) healthcare. However, the monthly college expenses should not be overlooked.

As a student, your average living expenses will range between 400 and 800 Canadian dollars per month. Tuition fees at most Canadian universities range from 6,000 to 17,000 dollars a year.

Apart from these, you need to consider the so-called “hidden costs”. These include, but are not limited to: a fridge and microwave, a carpet, sheets, student and parent conferences (sometimes attendance is mandatory), student orientation, parking passes, and more. The conferences go on for two days; so, you need to include hotel expenses. And all this even before you have started your first year of college!

Obviously, mom and dad are not required to cover your expenses. It is up to them to decide how much to spend on your college education. Even if they are willing to help you out, costs add up. So, one option is to work part-time on campus throughout your college years and for one additional year after graduating.

You may also look at your living and dining options and come up with money saving strategies. For example, it will be least expensive if you opt to live in a dorm, but it costs more to rent a place of your own. You will obviously need a computer, clothes, books, and meals. If you don’t want to eat in the cafeteria, you will have to splurge on restaurant meals. However, the costs may reach $1,000 a month. You may also want to put your best face forward, and you will need new clothing and shoes. Look for deals and avoid hanging in the mall the whole weekend.

Then, a new textbook can cost up to one hundred; so, you better be careful. Try looking for used copies. Do not buy all the books they say you will need. On the Internet, you can always find cheaper copies; so, avoid bookstores. Use library copies of mandatory books. The downside is that you will be stuck doing work in the library if there are no take-home copies, but that aside, you will be saving money. If you absolutely must get the book, sell it as quickly as possible. It will become outdated very quickly.

Freshman electronic gear includes alarm clocks, digital cameras, MP3, DVD players, TV sets, cell phones, and more. Laptops are the most essential item on campus. A printer may be necessary as well. To this end, look for special student discounts on laptops and a good cell phone plan (do not go for the fixed-line). If there is a TV in your dorm lounge, you can skip the TV. You’ll just need enough people skills to convince others that the show you want to watch is the best one.

As for dorm room furnishings, try yard sales. Buy used appliances. Split appliance costs with your roommate – you will work on ownership issues later. The main thing now is to help your parents cut the costs. You know more than well that your parents do not “owe” you anything while you are in college. Many people’s parents have not helped them at all. If this is not the case with you, consider yourself lucky.