self-knowledge

Dealing with Roommates from Hell

Looking back on my college years, I now realize that I was the roommate from hell for most of the people I lived with. When I remember the way I was, I realize I would now hate to live with someone like that and that is how I know I was a nightmare. When I graduated I was assigned to a triple dorm. I thought one of my roommates was prudish and I told her so to her face. She had complained that I kept liquor in the fridge, which was actually illegal because one, you cannot have liquor on campus and two, you cannot have liquor if you are under 21. I was very lonely the first month or so in college while she had a boyfriend who was always with her and loved her very much. I was jealous and projected my attitude onto him, to her dislike. I thought my other roommate was a superficial sorority girl type, which may have been true, but she had a lot of friends and great social skills, which I could not say for myself and still can’t. It is a good thing I moved shortly, so these people could actually have a meaningful college experience.

Sometimes, roommates from hell are easy to spot, sometimes not. A few years later, I found myself living in a big empty apartment that my parents owned. I was unable to pay the bills and needed a tenant very badly. At that time, my best friend needed a place to stay because she was living with her stepfather who abused her. Naturally, I was happy to help out. I only asked that we split the bills and did not charge rent. Not that she could have paid rent if I had asked.

I had grown so tired of living alone that I would have panic attacks at night. But how did it actually go? I was really psyched to live with her. First, she usually did not cover her half of the bills because she made too little as a salesgirl in a thrift shop. Second, she got an extra boyfriend on top of the one she was already seeing and every night, she had either one or the other over. Needless to say, neither of these guys offered to help out with the bills or with anything else and failed to carry out even the most marginal of home repairs. It seems that I got what I deserved. It goes to show that you only really get to know a person when they move in with you.

There are five basic types of roommates from hell. They are easy to spot. The least threatening is the overprotective type. If you are both girls, your roommate is making every effort to keep guys away from you. People end up thinking you’re a couple. Slobs that leave their stuff lying around, freeloaders, people bringing illegal stuff into your place and violent people are the other four. As for the types that are not easy to spot – well, there are enough horror movies about them. These people WILL NEVER CHANGE. If you are living with someone like this, try to make them leave or get the heck out!

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27
Oct 11

Dealing with Compulsive Liars

A compulsive liar lies about trivial issues and important things. Sometimes you feel that they lie about absolutely everything. You are probably right. Every word they speak is either completely dishonest or far from reality. At first, this may seem perplexing. Why do they lie about everything, especially since nobody believes a word they say any longer? Don’t they realize this?

Compulsive liars have dismally low self-esteem. They make things look better than they really are so that people will like and respect them more. They will promise to find you a job, to pay your bills, to solve any and every problem you may have. The experienced pathological liar knows how to make himself look good. He lures you in with empty promises and many women out there fall for this. Maybe you were among them, and now you are unlucky enough to be living with the compulsive liar. Once they have lured you in, they will not let you go, despite any effort you make to this end. They do things behind your back, and they hurt your feelings. This can go on for years.

So what do you do if you are married to someone like this? It depends on the extent of the pathology. If the lies are mostly trivial, you could simply tone down each story in your mind. If he lies about serious things, on the other hand, such as depleting your joint savings account during a trip to Vegas, you should consider divorce.

In cases of milder compulsions, you should try to accept what they are like. Be careful about setting expectations of them that they will not meet. You could try talking to them about their lying and how it affects you – sometimes they will be willing to change. In most cases, however, the change does not last long. It is worth a try either way. Getting angry with them is futile. This will not make them change. They must really want to change. If you feel they are telling you something that cannot be true, do not waste time analyzing and trying to disprove it. This will anger both of you.

Sometimes compulsive lying is seen as an addiction – one lie leads to another so that the previous one remains undetected and soon the lies spiral out of control. Addictions can be cured, right? Again, only if the person wants it.

Last but not least, there are visual cues that you can pick up on if you want to catch a lie. Look at the body language – avoiding eye contact, nervous hand movements, fidgeting and such. This may signal dishonesty.

If you cannot believe a single word this person is saying, you should not try to make the relationship work. This cannot happen with constant breach of trust. Good relationships are based on trust and if you don’t have that foundation, you don’t have anything, no matter how great he may be in all other respects. Self-confidence is golden, period. You do not need to waste your time with a pathological liar when there are so many trustworthy and honest men out there.

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20
Oct 11

7 Stages of Grief or till Death Do Us Part

Nobody really pays attention to the wedding vows, read in a monotonous voice on the day of tying the knot. Especially to the last part. Some things are better left unsaid. But what happens if your partner gets sick, meaning terminally ill? People’s reactions run the gamut from sin to godliness – from the woman who left her husband on finding out he had multiple sclerosis to the woman who launched a nationwide fundraising campaign for a life-saving surgery for the man she loved.

Most people’s reactions tend to fall between the two extremes. Sadly, they are more frequently near the bad end. You may not go as far as filing for divorce. However, the love you had for the person who brought home an equal or bigger paycheck and is now on disability payments somehow starts escaping from your home.

Let’s say you were not one of these people and stood by your loved one’s side until the end. What do you do when he is gone? There are 7 stages of grief most people go through.

The first stage most people experience is shock. This is a brief reaction characterized by extreme anger and despair.

It is followed by denial. This stage lasts longer than the first. It is a perfectly natural reaction for the persons experiencing it, and they do not question their feelings. If those close to them do, that it because they don’t realize how natural it is and why. Denial gives a person time to realize what has transpired, to face reality a piece at a time.

The next stage is that of “rushing in”. This is when you are overwhelmed by memories, feelings, emotions, sadness, anger, guilt. You may lash out at the doctors who treated the person and accuse them of not trying hard enough. You might be angry at your friends for not being supportive enough. Then, you may feel helpless, desperate, and afraid of what the future has in store.

After this painful process, we finally come to “working through”. You keep coming back to what you have experienced. This comes after you have gained insight. During the next phase, you reach some balance in your life.

The final phase of these 7 stages of grief is recovery. The trauma stops having a direct influence on how you feel at any given point in time.

The entire grieving process lasts around six months. In some rare cases, people can get stuck in a given phase. Getting stuck in the stage of shock can result in a perpetual feeling of panic. In this case, medications may be necessary. Being stuck in denial can be no less painful. You become isolated; you feel like the person is still alive. You keep photos of them everywhere. In extreme cases, people become alcoholics and/ or commit suicide. If you know people like this, do not leave them alone – they may have a hard time coping and going through the 7 stages of grief. Get professional help. You’ll be glad you did.

For those who have lost a loved one, know that time heals everything. For those who haven’t…some things are better left unsaid.

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17
Oct 11

How to Deal with Compulsive Hoarding

It can be difficult to treat compulsive hoarding – the reason is that this disorder is diagnosed late in life when the symptoms have become very severe. Compulsive hoarders are referred to as pack rats in popular culture, which simply does not do justice to the severity of this affliction. Usually, hoarders live alone, which is great because no one can get into the house anyway, and they would die before letting someone in. As with all mental disorders, these people have a sense that something is wrong with them and do not want anyone to see how they live. In some extreme cases, they never leave the house. Compulsive hoarding interferes with basic activities such as sleeping, cleaning, cooking, and showering.

This disorder involves excessive acquisition of items, even though they are usually worthless and dangerous. Some people hoard pets, with tens and sometimes hundreds of pets in their home, living in unsanitary and unhealthy conditions. Veterinarians are sometimes the first to grasp the magnitude of this disorder with the same client bringing in sick or injured pets day after day.

The big problem is when compulsive hoarders have children. The home environment is extremely unhealthy, and the children grow up knowing that something is wrong with their family. They know that they are not like other people, and they are never supposed to let others into the house. They are unable to interact normally and usually do not have any friends. When they finally move out, they are riddled with guilt about not having done anything for their parents. They do not feel comfortable reporting their parents to the police, as this is often necessary. There is a real chance of a fatal accident occurring. This is not as rare as people think. Oftentimes, these over-cluttered premises catch fire, and firefighters cannot get in, because all the entryways are blocked by junk, and the place burns down along with everyone living there. Sometimes the fire spreads to the other storeys, if the person is living in an apartment building, and there are many victims. Other times, these habits result in rat and roach infestations. Some hoarders stow food in their fridge that is way past its expiration date, eat it, and get very sick.

Sometimes compulsive hoarding is associated with the obsessive-compulsive disorder, but there is no empirical evidence of this yet. Compulsive hoarding is on the rise because people find safety in possessions in times of crisis, and this can be taken to the extreme.

Compulsive hoarding is often typical of the elderly, who find solace in the junk they pile up because of the memories. If someone comes in their home to clean up they become very angry because they feel their memories are being thrown away.

It is extremely difficult to deal with CH. Medications targeting serotonin uptake can help, but that serves only to control the symptoms. Medications should always be administered in combination with psychotherapy, of which Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the most suitable. CBT helps clients come to terms with inappropriate behavior and adopt more suitable models of behavior.

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9
Oct 11

Workaholic? Living a Life without Balance

Even the God rests on Sunday. But the rest day, it seems, never comes for the workaholic. There is always one more letter to write, another urgent task that can’t wait until Monday. And when they aren’t on their desk, they can still work – today’s communication technologies offer ideal conditions to work all the time. Even the opportunity to transfer one’s office at home.

And the truth is slightly different: what you leave at the office Friday afternoon will still be there, waiting for you when Monday comes.

Workaholism = life without balance

In is not by accident that extreme addiction to work is typical for the Western societies. Only our culture has put on a pedestal work ethic, the pursuit of career at all costs, and financial prosperity. When businessmen like Bill Gates and Donald Trump are considered the most successful people, it isn’t strange that the majority tries to be like them.

According to psychologists, the system seems to be invented for that very reason – give more and more energy to those who want to work. It is that type of people who climb the career ladder at a fast pace, get the highest marks, and are defined by society as smart, ambitious and enterprising.

Even when outside the office, the modern workoholic finds enough opportunities to work – through his mobile phone and computer, comfortably fitting into his pocket. But to blame technologies for workaholism is like finding fault with 24/7 supermarkets for obesity and alcoholism.

The context is important in this case – if you start ignoring your family, friends, and fun, then you lost your balance, and probably fail taking proper care of your health.

Overworking oneself does not necessarily mean that a person is a workoholic but namely, this is the root of the problem. And the subtle difference is that the workoholic goes skiing but dreams of returning to his office, while the hardworking guy is in the office and dreams of skiing.

There are plenty of common features between workaholics and alcoholics.

For example, the same way the alcoholic hides bottles around the house (to always have one at his disposal), the workoholic uses every spare moment – even while waiting in line to use the bathroom – to check his mail.

Other features of the workoholic are:

• Reluctance to transfer work to others – the workaholic wants to control and know everything that happens;

• Ignoring the lives of other people outside the work place – he doesn’t see any sense and can’t talk about anything else, apart from his work and in extreme cases, the work of others.

• He tries to turn his hobbies into work.

Work and more work! No fun!

The workoholic looks like the dream of every boss – he comes early, stays late, doesn’t go on vacations, take his work home. But that’s only at first sight. The workoholic takes more work than what his capacity allows, cannot delegate work, can’t work in a team, and is more disorganized than most of his colleagues.

Another feature of the addiction is that you can’t see the damage that is done – the workoholic won’t ask for a leave, even if he feels exhausted.

Is it dangerous for health?

Like any form of addiction, this one comes with a high level of stress, irritability, agitation, depression, even psychosomatic symptoms such as stomach- and headaches.

Experience shows that in most cases, cognitive-behavioral psychology brings the most positive effects. It is a form of psychotherapy which focuses on identifying and changing negative thoughts and the reasons behind them.

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7
Oct 11

Your Brain: Is There Female and Male Type of Thinking?

One of the strangest results from a recent neurological study shows that even if you look at the entire surface of the brain, most of the time you won’t detect any conscious activity. Our conscience seems to be sleeping and yet, the the brain is constantly active. In that, just a tiny percentage of the brain’s activity is associated with what we do, i.e. as conscious and intelligent beings as we are. You can ask other people which part of their body they perceive as working most intensely. The majority of people will answer it is the point between their eyes. This intuitive response is supported by studies in the field of neurology which have employed brain scanning. Self-knowledge is associated with the working of the frontal portions of the brain. The brain functions on an auto pilot while we carry out some routine activities such as bicycling, driving, or preparing the lunch meal. We don’t need to consciously think about our actions unless something new happens, for instance, we receive an unexpected present. Then, the frontal parts of the brain get activated.

Do you think as a man or as a woman?

Is there any difference between the female and male brain that results in different thinking patterns? Results from studies carried out during the last couple of decades do not categorically support this thesis. It is a known that the cortex of the right hemisphere is thicker in the male brain. Observations made through brain scanning show that the zones responsible for emotions in the female brain lit up; the same zones of the male brain show little or no activity. The nervous endings which connect the two hemispheres are greater in number in the female brain. This fact explains why women engage both hemispheres in problem solving. In contrast, the male brain activity is concentrated in the left hemisphere.

What men do better?

Comparatison suggests that man are: better at mathematical problems analysis but they do calculations less well; better at solving problems which require spatial perception and visualisation; quicker in discovering hidden or masked objects; better in visual rotation and analysis of objects; more precise when shooting at targets; better in discovering hidden elements in complicated schemes and figures; better in the analysis of complex information; better in the analysis of objects in view of their physical causality.

Where women excel?

On the other hand, women are: more sympathetic and better at understanding the emotions, intentions, and actions of other people; keener on developing their language skills; they have better punctuation and sense of nuances of meanings; women are better in putting various elements together; they are more apt in coming up with original ideas and their actual “dressing” in proper speech; women are quicker in tests that involve the matching of similar elements; they are better in finding missing elements of puzzles; women fare better in mathematical calculations; finally, they are more skilled in fine hand manipulations.

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2
Oct 11

How to Stop Being and Acting Chaotic

You may not realize it, but being organized takes less time than being disorganized wastes. Those of us who have problems with getting organized simply cringe at the thought of cleaning out our closets and getting to the back of our filing cabinets at the office. The thought of what you could dig up there is frightening in itself. So, we keep going our chaotic way and nothing changes.

Wake up! Chaos will start consuming your life. The frustration may become unbearable at one point. You will lose time and money.

The chaos is inside

They say chaos starts within, and they’re right. Before you start acting organized, you must become organized. You need to clarify your goals and priorities, how you want your belongings and way of life to look. You need to know what you want to do and when.

Do I really want that? Why?

Start by organizing your home, office, and car. Keep only the things you need and throw the rest out. Ask yourself the same question about each and every item: Do I really want/ need this or is it just taking up space? Do this before you even think about organizing your belongings. You cannot know how much space you really have before you throw out all the unnecessary garbage, like the first tooth you had pulled or the first poem you ever wrote.

Arrange your items thematically – the laundry detergent is near the washing machine, the pots are near the stove, and so on. Do not leave things lying around, thinking you’ll put them away later (you won’t) and then get angry because you can’t find anything. When everything in your house finds its place, your space will seem all the more welcoming and friendly.

Keep all the bills in one place and throw out all the junk mail as it comes in. Do not let it pile up near the door or in the mailbox.

Work done? Don’t make the same mess!

Once everything has a place, make sure it keeps its place. Always put things back where they belong. This is especially important regarding keys and cell phones.

Buy a calendar and put it in a visible place. Use it. Get a big one (not just tiny little boxes representing the dates) where you can write in multiple tasks. This way, you won’t have to keep slips of paper around reminding you of events if they are listed on your calendar. You could also get a planner.

Get all your shopping done in one store and in one trip. Write things down – it is futile to try and remember everything. Keep in mind that a daily to-do list should not have more than 5 items on it, because you simply will not get all the tasks done. Avoid self-defeating behaviors like making consistently long daily to-do lists. Make a list for the entire week and use it as a basis for daily lists. If something is constantly dropping to the bottom of your list, reconsider its importance and whether it really needs to be done.

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1
Oct 11

Can You Look Good on a Budget?

This may come as a surprise to you, but you can really look great without spending every penny you earn on cosmetics and clothes. You can start by ignoring trends. There is nothing funnier (and sadder) than someone desperately trying to look cool. Trends change by the hour, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder; so, there is no guarantee everyone will love your latest and trendiest look. You can save face, time, and money by just being who you are. From here it follows that you should not wear clothes that do not look good on you.

So what if they are in style? If you are short and curvy, a halter top may not be your best bet. There are certain classics that are perfect for everyone – white T-shirts, jeans and pencil skirts. What is more, they are versatile, meaning you can wear them with anything. If you want to dress well on a budget, you should buy clothes that go with lots of outfits you own. If a skirt matches only one top, you do not need to buy it. A classic mix always looks more elegant than a jumble of trendy pieces.

Do not underestimate thrift shops, stores like the Salvation Army, and even Walmart. If you live near a college town, keep in mind that the thrift shops will be very well-supplied. Young people are moving all the time, and sometimes wear things for less than a year before giving them over. Check out outlet stores as well. Again, make sure something looks good on you before you buy it – do not get things that are just “all right”. Do not be afraid to try sewing. A lot of really cheap and excellent clothes in thrift shops simply need a couple of stitches here and there. Do not save for expensive clothes; they are almost never worth it. Besides, few people will be able to tell the difference between a $20 pair and a $120 pair of jeans. Look for end-of-season discounts and holiday sales, but do not forget that some items may not be worth the cost even at clearance. If you find something you like at a thrift store but it is ripped, do not be afraid to haggle. People are usually willing to bargain to keep you happy and coming back to the shop. Finally, make sure all your new clothes are machine washable. Dry cleaning can put a dent in anyone’s budget, and washing by hand is so 20^th century.

Buy all your cosmetics at the drugstore. It is usually better-stocked than the supermarket, and the items are less expensive than those in most specialized boutiques. Be economical with hair products. If you must go all out, splurge on conditioner. Use penny-size amounts of shampoo or conditioner unless your hair is long. Do not neglect split ends. You shouldn’t be skimping on visits to the hairdresser’s.

Finally, do not buy more makeup than you need. Stick with the basics, such as blush, foundation, mascara, and lip gloss.

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14
Sep 11

Should You Invite Them to Your Place

How you dress, act, talk, and where you meet speak of your intentions to each other. Invitations for a dinner usually aim at getting to know the other better or becoming more intimate.

What strategy to choose and what tactics to apply depending on your intentions?

Going to a restaurant

If a man chooses a neutral ground for you to meet, he either has serious intentions or is afraid of you. In any case, do not take the initiative.

Sit opposite to him, with your back to the lights and facing the room. This way, it will be easy for you to watch his reactions. In a restaurant setting, the main weapon you have is the playful exchange of witty comments. At the end of the evening, you can thank him for the great night and ask him to walk you home. But don’t make him take the dinner as a payment for what will follow at your home. Even better, don’t invite him to your place, especially if it was his idea to take you to a restaurant. Let him take his time and think of whether your dinner flirt makes him want more than that – not just sex unless that is what you wanted to begin with. If he wants more, he will definitely call you and find a way to see you again. If he doesn’t, how the dinner went was not what he expected. There is nothing wrong with you if you are not his type. You cannot be everybody’s type. In fact, no one can.

He invites you at his place

This means he is ready to get to know you better. And you know what I mean. Do not take the initiative, it was him who invited you to his place. If he didn’t make an effort to cook at least, or his clothes are all over, you might think of leaving right after you came. That shows he didn’t even care to make you feel comfortable.

Obviously, you shouldn’t rush in telling him you don’t have underwear, especially if you just entered his apartment. Again, it comes to what your expectations are. If you are heading for a one-night stand and he is kind of attracted, it will certainly work – unless you are pushing him too much. If you want a relationship, it might be better to take it slow. There is nothing wrong with going to his apartment, but only after you are kind of certain what his intentions are.

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12
Sep 11

How to Feel More Self-Confident

To overcome timidity, it is most important to understand what makes you feel insecure. Shyness is not the only trait that can describe the character of a person but shows one side of his/ her personality. Oftentimes, people label others as shy and don’t see anything else in them.

For some, shy people are not timid but arrogant, uncommunicative, and bad-mannered. In fact, the truth is different. Shy people are trapped by their own feelings and find it difficult to pay attention to others. They are afraid of expressing and talking about their true feelings and thus may miss many joyful moments.

Here are some tips to give a boost to your self-confidence

Make an effort to stop bothering about what others think of you. The people around you don’t judge only what you do but what kind of person you are. If you failed at something, don’t think of yourself as a loser. It happens to everyone. And people obviously see that you are not failing at everything you do.
Be positive. Don’t try to be perfect as no one is. Perfectionists have a hard time as nothing seems good enough. Look at your achievements and not only what you failed to achieve.
Be fair when you judge what other people do and don’t think they always mean to hurt you. Even if they do, it may be unintentionally, with them not even knowing how bad you feel. Rather than that, be open and just tell them how you feel.
Learn to be communicative. Smile even if you don’t feel like smiling and talk to people. Remember that no one likes awkward silences, and you have to make an effort if you want to befriend someone.
Having a sense of humor is a plus most of the time. Don’t judge yourself too hard if you said something inappropriate, however. Just change the subject or stay on the same topic without looking like you made a big gaffe. If you said something really inappropriate, make yourself a note not to do it again.
If you are in a situation which involves people skills or it looks scary, prepare yourself beforehand. If you are going to a job interview, think of the questions they will ask you. And remember that you can’t think of every possible question, but making a good overall impression is what really matters.