If your spouse is domineering or bossy, want to have the last say in everything, refusing to listen to you every time, you may have a control freak on your hands. If they physically or verbally abuse you, control all the money, or sulk until you submit to them, then your spouse is a control freak, and this is taken to extremes. If they are only some of these things; then, there is room for improvement. You must have feelings for them if you chose to move in together; so, ditching them is not always the way to go when you see their faults. In fact, ditching them is the right decision only if the relationship involves physical abuse. Trying to understand where they are coming from is harder to do and ultimately more rewarding.
Control freaks have very low self-esteem. This is why they are terrified of failure. They make detailed plans about everything; as detailed as possible so that the possibility of failure is wiped out. Failure kills them. They are terrified of ambiguity, of novel situations, of every scenario where they could come out looking bad and inadequate. Their feelings are so overwhelming that they rarely even realize how their words and actions affect those around them. They are very sociable with strangers, but those close to them know this is just for show. They feel the aggression and hatred lurking beneath the surface and are scared into submission.
Of course, giving in to them is the easy way out. Tempted as we might be to take it, we should not, because this allows them to get worse and worse. Getting angry does not work either. They perceive your anger as a threat to their ego, not as the normal human reaction that it is. Thus, they get defensive, and for them defense is control, so they get even more controlling. They get even more critical and nothing you do pleases them. Try to stay calm and talk to them. Ask them direct questions like, “What will happen if you do not manage to do the job on time? Do you really have that much to lose?” Slowly but surely, they will begin to see sense, unless they are suffering from a very deep-rooted internal conflict. If that is the case, they may never change. They may get worse. These people project their insecurities onto others and may try to make you feel worthless. Your task is to recover your self-esteem.
Begin by gradually distancing yourself from them and seeking out positive and energetic people to spend your time with. If these people are your parents, try to be out of the house as often as possible, be agreeable, pretend to be listening to them when you are in, and apply to an out-of-state college when you graduate from high school. This way, you will not be seeing much of them. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of insecure people who never have a kind word to say. Finally, make a firm decision on whether you will stay with this person or leave them. If you decide to stay, fix a time limit and stick to it so that you have control.
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Tags: insecure people, physical abuse, relationships, self-esteem