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20
Nov 11

Dealing with Roommates from Hell

Looking back on my college years, I now realize that I was the roommate from hell for most of the people I lived with. When I remember the way I was, I realize I would now hate to live with someone like that and that is how I know I was a nightmare. When I graduated I was assigned to a triple dorm. I thought one of my roommates was prudish and I told her so to her face. She had complained that I kept liquor in the fridge, which was actually illegal because one, you cannot have liquor on campus and two, you cannot have liquor if you are under 21. I was very lonely the first month or so in college while she had a boyfriend who was always with her and loved her very much. I was jealous and projected my attitude onto him, to her dislike. I thought my other roommate was a superficial sorority girl type, which may have been true, but she had a lot of friends and great social skills, which I could not say for myself and still can’t. It is a good thing I moved shortly, so these people could actually have a meaningful college experience.

Sometimes, roommates from hell are easy to spot, sometimes not. A few years later, I found myself living in a big empty apartment that my parents owned. I was unable to pay the bills and needed a tenant very badly. At that time, my best friend needed a place to stay because she was living with her stepfather who abused her. Naturally, I was happy to help out. I only asked that we split the bills and did not charge rent. Not that she could have paid rent if I had asked.

I had grown so tired of living alone that I would have panic attacks at night. But how did it actually go? I was really psyched to live with her. First, she usually did not cover her half of the bills because she made too little as a salesgirl in a thrift shop. Second, she got an extra boyfriend on top of the one she was already seeing and every night, she had either one or the other over. Needless to say, neither of these guys offered to help out with the bills or with anything else and failed to carry out even the most marginal of home repairs. It seems that I got what I deserved. It goes to show that you only really get to know a person when they move in with you.

There are five basic types of roommates from hell. They are easy to spot. The least threatening is the overprotective type. If you are both girls, your roommate is making every effort to keep guys away from you. People end up thinking you’re a couple. Slobs that leave their stuff lying around, freeloaders, people bringing illegal stuff into your place and violent people are the other four. As for the types that are not easy to spot – well, there are enough horror movies about them. These people WILL NEVER CHANGE. If you are living with someone like this, try to make them leave or get the heck out!

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07
Nov 11

How to Deal with a Lazy Partner, (Im)possible?

It can be quite frustrating to come home after a hard day’s work to see your husband mindlessly playing video games. Or to find out your wife is out shopping or otherwise wasting time and money. Lazy partners are hard to deal with, and this trait often ends relationships. There are ways to overcome it, however.

If you confront them, they will usually say they forgot to do whatever it is you asked them to do. You should make it impossible for them to use this excuse in the future. How? Write a list of chores, copy it and post copies all over your house. Divide the list into your chores and your partner’s chores. This way, you will make sure your partner sees it and can’t make the excuse that they forgot or did not know what they had to do. If you proceed this way though, it can become annoying – after all, your partner is also an adult and should have a notion of what needs to be done and when. If they are willing to help you, the list will become redundant eventually.

If this does not help, it is time for a serious tête-à-tête. You must make it clear to them that sharing housework is very important to you. It is possible that they do not feel they are wronging you in any way.

It is more often men who neglect to help out with work around the house. In more conventional households, it is believed that women should do things like cooking and cleaning, and men should fix stuff around the house if things break or otherwise get damaged. This is not fair, honestly. You need to cook at least once a day (make dinner), not counting fixing meals for your kids if you have such. You have to clean your entire place once a week. It is not every day that you get a leaky faucet, not even once a week, unless you are living in a God-forsaken dump. Women bear the brunt of the housework this way. The sons of mothers of the pre-feminist generation were raised to be lazy as well, following their father’s example. If you want him to help you at home, you need to eradicate these maladaptive models of behavior on his part.

You may be really angry at him, but showing it is not likely to help. Explain to him what is bothering you in a calm, friendly way, and do not expect an immediate change. Thank him for what he does do. You should be appreciative of his skills if he has them, because a handyman can cost you an arm and a leg. Express your gratitude every time he does something, because a kind word can go a long way.

Always ask for help. Not asking is a sure way not to get any. If he offers help, do not ever turn it down, even if you don’t particularly need it. Find something to occupy him.

If he is the sole breadwinner and you have decided to be a stay-at-home mom, do not expect him to help you with the housework. That’s just asking too much.

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28
Oct 11

A Perfect Day for the Macho Man

Machismo has been and is a big part of popular culture. Just think of Stanley Kowalski in Tennessee Williams’ A Streetcar Named Desire to Conan and Macho Man Randy Savage. Happily, we are not confronted with macho images as often today as we were during the 1980s and 90s, but machismo continues to underlie numerous film character depictions and serves as an ideology for many.

Macho men like breakfast in bed. Preferably meat. If you are with a man like this, you should get up at least an hour before he does every morning and make sure breakfast is ready when he wakes up. An hour is good because it should be served warm. The macho does not want cold food. It’s like proverbial macho man The Rock said in an interview, “My favorite things are cold beer, hot steak and good lovin’. My least favorite are warm beer and cold steak. There is no such thing as bad lovin’.” Of course there isn’t, at least for the macho. It’s not about whether the woman is enjoying it or not. So keep that in mind too.

After breakfast, he will probably go and work out. It is about lifting and bench-pressing more and more with every day that passes. He will spend a couple of hours in the gym and be back for lunch. Ideal career options for a macho are: wrestler, film star, wrestler and film star. But since there can be (and is) only one Stone Cold Steve Austin, macho men usually end up working in construction or as plumbers. Oh well. Any job is fine as long as it does not interfere with eating, drinking beer, and going to the gym.

After lunch (which should consist of at least five steaks and six beers), the macho would like to visit a number of biker shops in town. He knows everyone working in every such shop in town and has a drink with each and every one of them regardless of whether he bought something or not. Eventually, he’ll be back for dinner, which is naturally the biggest meal of the day. If you get Chinese, he won’t leave any food in China. After dinner, it is time to hit the strip club with his friends. Strip clubs are the perfect place for men with low self-esteem who are overcompensating, as long as they bring enough cash. There they are truly treated as kings. Arguably, you can’t achieve much on a plumber’s salary in a strip joint, but hey, not every day is perfect.

He likes to go everywhere by car, if possible. When he drives, he has the music blaring so everyone will notice him. It’s usually metal.

When he comes home, he will probably want some ‘lovin’. Given that sex with an insensitive pig that reeks of beer is not the most tempting of prospects, it is safe to say that your perfect day will begin the moment you start rejecting him.

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27
Oct 11

Dealing with Compulsive Liars

A compulsive liar lies about trivial issues and important things. Sometimes you feel that they lie about absolutely everything. You are probably right. Every word they speak is either completely dishonest or far from reality. At first, this may seem perplexing. Why do they lie about everything, especially since nobody believes a word they say any longer? Don’t they realize this?

Compulsive liars have dismally low self-esteem. They make things look better than they really are so that people will like and respect them more. They will promise to find you a job, to pay your bills, to solve any and every problem you may have. The experienced pathological liar knows how to make himself look good. He lures you in with empty promises and many women out there fall for this. Maybe you were among them, and now you are unlucky enough to be living with the compulsive liar. Once they have lured you in, they will not let you go, despite any effort you make to this end. They do things behind your back, and they hurt your feelings. This can go on for years.

So what do you do if you are married to someone like this? It depends on the extent of the pathology. If the lies are mostly trivial, you could simply tone down each story in your mind. If he lies about serious things, on the other hand, such as depleting your joint savings account during a trip to Vegas, you should consider divorce.

In cases of milder compulsions, you should try to accept what they are like. Be careful about setting expectations of them that they will not meet. You could try talking to them about their lying and how it affects you – sometimes they will be willing to change. In most cases, however, the change does not last long. It is worth a try either way. Getting angry with them is futile. This will not make them change. They must really want to change. If you feel they are telling you something that cannot be true, do not waste time analyzing and trying to disprove it. This will anger both of you.

Sometimes compulsive lying is seen as an addiction – one lie leads to another so that the previous one remains undetected and soon the lies spiral out of control. Addictions can be cured, right? Again, only if the person wants it.

Last but not least, there are visual cues that you can pick up on if you want to catch a lie. Look at the body language – avoiding eye contact, nervous hand movements, fidgeting and such. This may signal dishonesty.

If you cannot believe a single word this person is saying, you should not try to make the relationship work. This cannot happen with constant breach of trust. Good relationships are based on trust and if you don’t have that foundation, you don’t have anything, no matter how great he may be in all other respects. Self-confidence is golden, period. You do not need to waste your time with a pathological liar when there are so many trustworthy and honest men out there.

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27
Oct 11

Your Daughter Just Doesn’t Want to Marry

Many parents are careful about who their children marry, and this is especially true for their female children. Feminist movement notwithstanding, we still think that marriage is more important for girls than for boys. It contributes more to girls’ sense of self, defines a woman to a greater extent, and makes up a bigger part of her life. This is why, we are very picky about the guys our daughters date. We are very involved in who the eventual Mr. Right will be. Our biggest fear is that she’ll make a bad choice. To some parents though, even the worst choice is not as bad as no choice at all.

This is about them. For some reason, they are horrified by the prospect of their daughter remaining single for the rest of her life. Some parents do not respect common-law partnerships, even though they are recognized by law in some countries. If there is no ring, then there is nothing. This archaic mentality has been known to push daughters into a marriage they were not ready for and to someone who was not really the right person. And still it survives. Would you really feel better if she married a deadbeat whom she’d have to take care of? Or someone 30 years older than her who was not rich? Or some jerk just because she got pregnant? Would you be so intent on your son getting married?

To be fair, most parents do not want something like this happening to their beloved girls. We want her to marry a nice, good-looking young man who pulls in $200,000 a year and still has time to take her on a vacation every other week to every destination of her choice. He also has three college degrees and postgraduate studies. He does volunteer work and helps old ladies across the street every time he sees one. He gets out of his Benz to do so. Why couldn’t she marry someone like that? Someone loving, gorgeous, intelligent, sensitive and fabulously wealthy? Probably because he is already married. He got married to someone named Hans in Denmark.

Maybe it’s your fault. Have you thought about this being a possibility? Some women, unhappy with their own marriages, project their dissatisfaction onto their daughters. They build up their self-esteem to unprecedented highs, as in “nothing but the very, very best for my little princess”. So, the little princess rejects all proposals, always waiting and waiting for something better. He should not have any bad habits, any bad personality traits, definitely should not have low income…and Mr. Right never comes. Are you still wondering why?

Every girl should be so lucky to have a loving, gentle, and generous father. The problem is that nobody will ever quite measure up to Daddy. This is why many women go for older men and end up getting really disappointed. When a girl is 20, a man of 40 is quite appealing. He has a stable career and experience in life and can guide her. He’s really good in bed, too. When she’s 40 and in her sexual prime, she is married to someone who is 60. Few things can suck as much as that.

Either way, don’t get depressed. Look on the bright side. Your daughter could be a lesbian!

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26
Oct 11

How to Act Like Divorced to Stay Together

Now, when the divorce rates in Western countires skyrocketing, more and more attempts are made to learn what exactly makes a marriage work. Statistics show that the majority of people who get divorced end up remarrying; however, most of these people end up getting a second divorce. How do you feel about people who marry, divorce, remarry, divorce, re-remarry, divorce – the same person? Such cases are rare – perhaps the only such case was that of Liz Taylor and Richard Burton. You know what though? They are not as rare as it may seem. Many women have reported being shocked to discover that their ex’s new wife is a lot like them, both physically and character-wise. So, why do people get divorced only to discover that they had already met their soulmate?

It has been said that the marriages that last are the ones where partners do not see all that much of one another. It is easy to get sick of someone when they are always around, true. But when does giving each other “space” grow into chronic indifference toward the person, especially in a highly individualistic culture like that of the US?

People who got married too young and didn’t have time to “shop around” often have this problem. This is especially true when unplanned pregnancies are involved. Staying together for the kids becomes a burden on everyone, especially the kids. Many children actively urge their parents to get a divorce because they would rather see them separately than together and fighting all the time. Rushing into marriage does change everything. This means compromise and commitment. You cannot live like you are single. You cannot bring your buddies over for a drink and stay up until 3.00 AM – certainly not on a regular basis. Alternatively, you cannot subject your husband to chick flicks with your girlfriends every other night. Boys’ and girls’ nights out will be few and far between. If the prospect of this makes you squirm, then you are not ready for marriage. Nobody is saying that you have to be together all the time – it is OK to have different friends and see different people. It just won’t be as often as before.

Then there is the issue of sleeping with other people. True, there are open marriages and the people in them claim to be happy. I used to live next door to a guy who was a pimp, and he said once, “It makes a lot of money, but it is not for everyone. How do you know if you can do it? Picture yourself coming home and seeing your wife having sex with another man. If this wouldn’t bother you, then you know the job’s for you.”

“Acting divorced” means imagining what it would be like if the person was gone and acting accordingly. It means joining a gym and dieting because you might never have sex again. It means good communication – if you are divorced with children, you will have to communicate either way. The title is misleading. You cannot act like you are divorced if you are not. If you want your marriage to work, imagine being single and all the pros and cons of this. If the negatives outweigh the positives, you know what to do.

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24
Oct 11

Domestic Violence – How Can You Protect Yourself?

Domestic violence is one of the most appalling social phenomena nowadays. Whatever the origins or the reasons for its occurrence, it should be nipped in the bud as soon as possible. Here is what you should do if you have fallen victim to domestic violence.

First and foremost, you should eliminate the source of domestic violence. So, if you are in a relationship that presents a serious threat to your physical and mental health, do not hesitate to walk out of it right now! I know that the promises of your partner that he will hurt you never again may sound very convincing, but they last only until the next time he gets mad at you. Remember that the responsibility for breaking away from the vicious circle of domestic violence is in your own hands.

On the other hand, if your partner (the abuser) has recognized and acknowledged the fact that he has certain issues related to spontaneous aggression, maybe you should encourage him to consult a psychologist and start an anger management therapy.

Of course, there are some stop-gap solutions such as, for instance, an ‘emergency box’ where you should put some cash, spare keys to the car and the house, and a prepaid telephone card. You run away with that when the next episode of domestic violence begins to unfold. Alternatively, you can think of a ‘password’ which, when uttered, will let your relatives and family know that you are in danger and they should call the police.

Your parents’ house is the safest place to go when you flee home after being abused by your partner and don’t forget to take the children with you.  Some husbands abuse their children as well. Alternatively, you can stay with some supportive friends, who will most probably encourage you to take legal action against the abuser. Social workers recommend that the victims of domestic violence should call an attorney as soon as they reach a safe place. He will help you get a restraining order against your abusive partner. Also, you may file a police report against him, especially if you’re planning to go to a divorce trial.

Last but not least, once you break away from the abuser, make sure you sign up for a domestic violence support program with the nearest crisis centre, where you will receive emotional support and hear the stories of other victims of domestic violence. This will encourage you to start a new life as an independent woman.

Finally, while men are responsible for most cases of domestic violence, there are some abusive women, too.  So, if your sweetheart is throwing stuff at you or threatening to fire a shotgun at you, brother, you should not hesitate to report her to the police. More often than not, domestic violence against men is of psychical rather than physical nature. If, for instance, you wife is constantly accusing you of being unfaithful to her, or if she is preventing you from visiting your parents in the weekend or going out with friends, this can also be regarded as an instance of domestic violence on her part. Very often, women assault their partners under the influence of alcohol or other intoxicating substances. If you share your bed with such a woman, you should encourage her to start a detoxication program or consult a psychotherapist.

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21
Oct 11

Climbing Roses: Taking Best Care of Them

Many people love climbing roses and dream of having their own rose gardens.  However, some can make them grow healthy and well fed, while others just can’t achieve the same results.  This is because there are some peculiarities about growing roses that you must know if you aspire to have one of your own.

Tools and Materials Needed:

  • Rose fertilizer

Step 1–Know What a Healthy Rose Is

Find out how a healthy rose looks like – this rose is a nice and pretty blooming flower.  Just like humans, those that receive good nutrition and care are the healthiest, and these usually show on their physical appearance.  In other words, a healthy rose is a well fed rose.

Step 2–Taking Care of Climbing Roses

Make sure your climbing roses enjoy regular exposure to sunlight as to blossom: they need at least six to eight hours of it. Roses are more complex than other flowering plants out there.  Next, climbing roses need water, but not too much or else, they might drown.  This means that the soil where the water is must be well-drained.  However, the most important factor for growing a healthy climbing rose is the soil.  Rich, highly nutritious soil is the core of growing healthy roses.  Always make sure that the soil is well fertilized, and you can be sure that your roses are most likely to grow healthy and well fed.

In addition, you need to clear the weeds from the plot, especially the perennials. When you plant roses, make sure you do not use the same plot for two or more years where flowers were previously planted. You expose the climbing roses to the risk of rose sickness.

Step 3–Choosing Rose Fertilizers

Choose a good fertilizer for your climbing rose but keep in mind that the type of fertilizer used is not really vital.  Most individuals who grow roses for money-making purposes make use of commercial rose fertilizers, and these are fairly fine for the many rose varieties, including climbers.  There are also rose growers that use liquid fish fertilizer to enrich the soil.  This kind of fertilizer is also good for a great variety of roses.  The only point about the rose fertilizer is that it should be a type that slowly releases nitrogen. Keep in mind that roses need a stable supply of nitrogen, but too much of it can make more vegetation grow rather than boost blossoming.

The soil is moist in the spring, and you can sprinkle a handful of a chosen fertilizer around the roses, rake in carefully, keeping away from the stems. Apply fertilizer in summer time again when you spot signs of second blossoms’ flush. It is recommended to not feed late in the year because this practice will encourage soft growth that exposes roses to risk of diseases.

Step 4–Help the Rose Climb

Keep in mind that roses don’t climb by themselves like the wines. You should train them by tying their canes to some kind of support. This holds true if you want you rose to grow to an arbor, wall or post. You can peg the flower to the ground and train it to form unusual shapes. As to train the climber, you have to bend the canes to produce more blooms. In addition, make sure that the tip or end of the long canes is pointing downward.

Step 5–Winter Protection for the Climber

Untie the rose canes if tied to a fence, trellis or wall and wrap them in insulating material just like you would wrap the pipes to stop them from freeing. You can then retie the rose canes to the fence, trellis or wall.

 Growing climbing roses is not a difficult task.  It can be a bit challenging when you are just starting out.  But once you get the hang of it, you can do it with your eyes closed.

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21
Oct 11

When Your Spouse Is a Control Freak

If your spouse is domineering or bossy, want to have the last say in everything, refusing to listen to you every time, you may have a control freak on your hands. If they physically or verbally abuse you, control all the money, or sulk until you submit to them, then your spouse is a control freak, and this is taken to extremes. If they are only some of these things; then, there is room for improvement. You must have feelings for them if you chose to move in together; so, ditching them is not always the way to go when you see their faults. In fact, ditching them is the right decision only if the relationship involves physical abuse. Trying to understand where they are coming from is harder to do and ultimately more rewarding.

Control freaks have very low self-esteem. This is why they are terrified of failure. They make detailed plans about everything; as detailed as possible so that the possibility of failure is wiped out. Failure kills them. They are terrified of ambiguity, of novel situations, of every scenario where they could come out looking bad and inadequate. Their feelings are so overwhelming that they rarely even realize how their words and actions affect those around them. They are very sociable with strangers, but those close to them know this is just for show. They feel the aggression and hatred lurking beneath the surface and are scared into submission.

Of course, giving in to them is the easy way out. Tempted as we might be to take it, we should not, because this allows them to get worse and worse. Getting angry does not work either. They perceive your anger as a threat to their ego, not as the normal human reaction that it is. Thus, they get defensive, and for them defense is control, so they get even more controlling. They get even more critical and nothing you do pleases them. Try to stay calm and talk to them. Ask them direct questions like, “What will happen if you do not manage to do the job on time? Do you really have that much to lose?” Slowly but surely, they will begin to see sense, unless they are suffering from a very deep-rooted internal conflict. If that is the case, they may never change. They may get worse. These people project their insecurities onto others and may try to make you feel worthless. Your task is to recover your self-esteem.

Begin by gradually distancing yourself from them and seeking out positive and energetic people to spend your time with. If these people are your parents, try to be out of the house as often as possible, be agreeable, pretend to be listening to them when you are in, and apply to an out-of-state college when you graduate from high school. This way, you will not be seeing much of them. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of insecure people who never have a kind word to say. Finally, make a firm decision on whether you will stay with this person or leave them. If you decide to stay, fix a time limit and stick to it so that you have control.

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20
Oct 11

Your Teenage Daughter Is Pregnant, Don’t Freak Out

Teen pregnancy is not viewed quite positively today, but it shouldn’t be considered something that disgraceful, either. And if the fact makes you really freak out, it certainly is not the end of the world. Here are a few tips that I hope will help you swallow the bitter pill

First and foremost don’t panic. The more you freak out, the more dreadful the situation may appear to you. Practically, there are only two ways out of this delicate predicament – either you can decide that your daughter keeps the child, insisting that the culprit for your daughter’s condition step up and acknowledge paternity, or you can encourage your daughter to have an abortion.

Second, before you heap reproaches on your beloved daughter, which will only add insult to her injury, think about what has cost her to pick up the courage and spit the pebble about her pregnancy before you. It is equally useless to start blaming yourself for not informing your daughter about the ways she could have protected herself against unwanted pregnancy.  Even if she had known almost everything about it, she could have still made a mistake. Instead, try to be supportive and understanding, because your daughter needs to know that you are by her side. This does not mean, however, that you should shoulder all the responsibility about her pregnancy. Quite on the contrary, you should make her realize that she must take her share of responsibility for her delicate condition.

Next, if you decide to go for an abortion, you should first consult experienced gynecologist about the possible risks to your daughter’s fertility that may occur as a result of such an intervention. And if the risks outweigh the benefits, you should prepare to become a young grandma.

Once you decide to keep the child, you should first make sure that your daughter will nonetheless complete her schooling. Teenage pregnancy often causes young girls to drop out of school. Having arranged that, you should now go on and find the main culprit for your daughter’s pregnancy, if it’s possible, and ask him to take his share of responsibility for his future offspring. I agree that girls should first complete their college education and then get married, but sometimes it can happen the other way around. Things are a bit easier if your daughter is at least eighteen years of age, as she can legally tie the knot. If she is between sixteen and eighteen years of age, you should explicitly declare your consent to her marriage before an attorney. After all, no difficulties are insurmountable, as long as your daughter and the father of her coming child are head over heels in love with each other.

In any case, your daughter will inevitably miss the party stage in her life, because of her early motherhood. Also, having a baby involves raising extra funds to support the cute little newcomer to your family. As your daughter is still too young to work, you and her father should shoulder the whole responsibility for providing for the young family.

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